According to the national news “Sexting” is becoming a dangerous pastime for today’s youth. There has even been a case of suicide due to a girl sending a nude pic to her teenage boyfriend and then being devastated when he showed all his friends. That is truly and terribly sad….
But what did she think he was going to do? He was 14, there were real live tits on his phone. Of course he was going to show everyone. I would have loved for her to have been like “Yeah, those are mine, they’re awesome huh? You’ll never get to touch them. Fuck you.” But she didn’t. That sucks.
So I’ve decided to post a tutorial for all the boys and girls on how to properly send naked pictures on a camera phone.
First off: Don’t do it. Your naked ass will end up making the rounds. It might even end up on the internet. And just like that druken sex tape you made in Cabo on spring break, those pictures will continue to exist long after your crush on Chad has died. He will have them in his phone to jerk off to and to show his friends FOREVER.
That being said, you’re going to do it anyway. So here are some do’s and don’ts.
1. DO NOT SHOW YOUR MOTHERDFUCKING FACE. You want them to see your tits right? So why does your face need to be in it? Do you think he’s going to text back, “Hey! I don’t believe those are your’s! Put your face in there!” No, he doesn’t give a shit. If he does, he’s retarded.
Examples of how showing your face goes wrong:
That is a semi well known Disney actress sending naked photos to her BF. Ummmm…you’re famous. You’re a fucking idiot. And now the world knows you have a huge bush. If you’re face wasn’t in there then we could still imagine you have a smooth hairless taco and Disney wouldn’t have been uber pissed at you for being so stupid.
At least Miley Cirus keeps her tits in her shirt. But she was 15 when she took this and she’s supposed to be uber squeaky clean. May I just say that a REALLY hate this girl. I’ve never seen such a sense of entitlement. Along with her repeated posting of pictures more risque than this one she continually sluts it up in a way that is way too creepy for a chipmunked faced 16 year old to do. Point being, Disney was pissed again and had to reprimand her by making her take time off. Should have kept your giant head out of the photos, Miley.
I always adhere to the no head rule. Granted, my tattoos give me away so I can never say “Those aren’t mine!” However, my tits are already on the internet for all the world to see so none of these rules even apply to me. Still though, I’m smart enough to keep my head out of the shot.
2. If you are a straight dude, it’s generally best to not send any pictures at all. Really.
Is this hot?
If you’re going to do it, take your damn hat off, look at the mirror and not the camera phone and don’t make that face!
Occasionally a phone cam pic of a huge boner is enticing. Usually though it just ends up getting shown around at girl’s night. No matter how impressive the dick is we’re still going to laugh at the though of you taking and re-taking pictures of your own erection. If it’s not an impressive dick….well, that’s even worse.
Remember that dicks are pretty funny looking. Just as vaginas are. So men, tease a little and send a torso picture that stops just before the cock. Though if you’re fat, just avoid that one. Avoid all of this actually.
3. Ladies, close up pictures of your pussy just end up looking like the Grand Canyon. But at least your head isn’t in the shot.
4. When dirty talking along with these pictures, keep it simple. Just as you would when you dirty talk during actual sex. If you do a bad job, those texts will also be laughed at by the recipient’s friends.
5. Most importantly, know that these things will never remain between just the two of you. It’s guaranteed that at least one other person will see them. Most likely more than one. I say this because I stupidly sent a picture of my tits to this guy. I’m almost positive he ended up showing that around last night.
Now go forth and send your bits to your respective loved ones.
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