How did I go from being a recreational narcoleptic to an insomniac?
I once fell asleep on the Subway…..Sound normal to you? Maybe, until you realize I was standing up at the time, catching myself just prior to my face slamming into the floor…..Pretty troubling until you realize the increase in my narcoleptic symptoms was roughly correlational to my decision to take my relationship with Johnny Walker to a higher level.
Ok, fast forward to the mucus filled train wreck that is 2009. Now, instead of borrowing all of my wakefulness from Juan Valdez (my alertness line of credit as it were), all of a sudden I need a REM stimulant? I mean I know I’m getting older, but I always thought the “men” in menopause was meant to be ironic.
So, when you are involuntary awake at say 3 AM in the morning, its a great time to learn more about who you are. But, because my inner self has a restraining order against me, I go online instead. And if you think freaks are on twitter during the day, try checking out hot topics after the witching hour when the moon is full. Scintillating conversations that make the universe as described in the HBO show “True Blood” not only seem realistic, but preferable.
On the plus side, I don’t really miss dreaming. Every dream, every time, there I am, naked as a jaybird, usually in a very public place. At the movies? Naked. In the mall? Naked. At the high school reunion? Naked. Skydiving? Naked (the last one is by far my favorite btw). While initially entertaining, eventually the plot line becomes a little predictable – which of course requires me to sarcastically critique my own dreams – which I’m betting is not good for my mental health…..what’s left of it anyway.
So, this is what the future has to offer. Sleepless in Indiana. Even more hours to explore the depths of the abyss which can only be achieved through complete and utter boredom.
Well, at least I’m not naked.
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